Never Before
by Crying Diamonds
Summary: I am the daughter of the King and Queen of France. I have people surrounding me everywhere I go. And yet now, when what I need most is help, I am completely alone. How can I save a country being overrun with darkness when no one will listen to me?


Never Before

I grew up in royalty, my mother the queen, my father the king. I have always gotten everything I wanted. But I don't want this life. I want something more than this pampered petting all the time. I want some color, I want some excitement, I want some power. The three things I want the most, the three things I will never get- because I am a girl. Not only a girl, a princess.

I was born on the twenty-fifth day of December, Christmas day, and so I was considered special. I was said to have some sort of connection holiness, I was thought to be excruciatingly pure and gentle, and everyone thought that would be how I was when I was older. Sorry to disappoint everyone, but I'm not a bit like that.

I make my horse, Melody, gallop as fast as possible just so I don't have to feel attached to anything but the power of her muscle beneath me. I throw temper tantrums when I'm confined to my room because of a silly little thing like climbing trees or swimming in the lake. I come home at the end of the day with my hair trailing down to my waist in crazy curls, my dress in shreds from climbing rocks. I speak disrespectfully to my parents when they speak disrespectfully to me. I am not demure. I am wild. I will not behave. I have a temper. And, sin of all sins, I refuse to get married.

I do not want to be tied down by the most foolish emotion in the world. I don't want to be confined in a cage of loving fingers twisting my heart so softly I feel like screaming. I don't want to be the queen of a country my parents are trying to make a deal with. I want to stay here, I want to be queen of France, I want to rule until I die, and I want to do it all without the help of a husband or anyone else for that matter. Oh I know how it is, I know I have to produce heirs to the thrown as I am my parent's only child, but I don't understand why I can't do that and be the Queen too. I'm strong enough, clever enough, brave enough. I'm not like the girls who lower their eyes and smile quietly while knitting or embroidering or some other such foolishness. I would be as good a Queen as my father is a King.

But no, I must be married to the prince of Spain or Portugal or some other country where they don't speak my language. I must sit with my back straight and my eyes downcast, looking beautifully sad. I must bare sons so that this foreign country I feel absolutely no love for will be able to have a strong ruler after my husband dies. I must be good and study curtseying while my father and mother, but more my father, take charge of the country and deal with the problem of not having any male children.

If I had been a boy, they say, my parents wouldn't have so much trouble with revolts and poverty. If I had been a boy my parents wouldn't have to worry about not having any heirs. If I had been a boy none of those nasty assassinations would have happened. If I had been a boy France would be perfect, without a flaw.

But I know the truth, the truth about those revolts, the truth about the poverty, the truth about the assassinations, the truth about all of France's flaws, the truth about my parents not having any heirs. I have been listening at keyholes, hiding in dark corners, pretending to be asleep, or preoccupied. I know what's happening to my country, and I know that my parents can't solve all these problems without help. So that's why I haven't run away, that's why I haven't gone o live with the gypsies in the woods just beyond the castle gates. That's why I have been acting so good lately, because I know what's going on, and I know what has to be done.

The first day things started becoming clear to me, I was sitting in a small closet just outside my parent's bedroom, waiting for the hall to be clear so I could sneak back to my room and get changed before anyone noticed how filthy I was. I had been there for over an hour and my legs were starting to cramp when I heard my father's voice just outside the closet door. I silenced my breathing, putting my hand over my mouth, and listened to my mother trying to quiet him.

"Henry, stop it. You don't need to take that tone of voice with me, I understand."

"Danielle, my darling. I don't know if you've realized it or not but this country is in trouble. Serious trouble. I have a right to be upset when my country is going to the dogs."

"You have no right to be upset with me, I'm merely trying to help set things straight."

I pressed my ear to the door, listening for any clue as to what might have happened. My parents never fought, it just wasn't done, and if they were fighting now then something very, very bad must've happened. I sat silently, waiting for the conversation to start up again.

"I know, I know. I'm sorry. It's just- I never thought-."

"You never thought it could happen here." My mother finished, sounding sad. "Me neither, darling. And without any warning either. I mean, was there any sign that someone might have wanted to- to-,"

"No, there wasn't." My father mumbled, cutting her off. "There was no warning at all that someone would break into the castle."

I felt my throat closing up in fear. Break into the castle? How could that happen? It couldn't be possible! There were guards surrounding every inch of it, not to mention all the guards inside.

"Who do they think it was that killed those poor guards?" My mother's voice quavered slightly and I heard my father walk towards her and could almost see his arms wrapping around her.

"No one has found anything that might give us an answer, they just- disappeared. I know it doesn't sound possible, but none of the guards even saw him, not even the ones standing right next to the ones he killed."

I heard his boot scrape against the flagstones and knew they were walking away. Desperate to hear more, I slipped quietly out of the closet, but they were nowhere in sight and I was forced to go on wondering for days.

Through he next few days I was more distracted than ever. The shadow whispers seemed to follow me wherever I went, silenced hurriedly before I could make out the dark, bloodstained words. It was maddening not to know what was going on, and I couldn't ask my parents for fear they would ask me how I knew about it. I didn't want them to know I had been eavesdropping on them; I didn't want them to know that I had heard their whispered argument and that I knew everything wasn't okay. That would merely worry them more, and as much as I couldn't stand being left in the dark simply because I was a girl, I wasn't able to give them something more to fight about when they already had so much to keep their minds busy.

But with sickening quickness, more rumors were overheard. I found out things I might not have wanted to know, things about my parents that were kept in the dark so as not to cause rebels to get feisty.

One of the servants, thinking me busy with my needlework, had told her friend quietly about the most recent gossip. She said that most of the universities were not allowing anyone without a title to study there, and that the gypsies were slowly being evicted, as they had been acting slightly bitter towards the king of late. She said that there had been another killing; this time it was one of mother's Ladies Maids.

I was shocked, unable to believe that a murderer had been so close to my mother. What if he had killed her? What if that was what was happening? Were we slowly being crept up upon? Were we the next victims of this invisible, sunset-quick assassin? Purple-red fear twisted my stomach, made my hands tremble so that the needle I was using to poke a rose into a cushion stabbed my finger, making a bubble of blood pop to surface. Red, red, red. I couldn't help it, images of mother laying in a pool of her own dark blood flashed through my mind, quickly followed by similar scenes with my father or myself.

"Your highness," said the servant nervously, "are you alright?"

"Oh…" I said, quickly wrenching my face into a tight smile. "Y-yes… I'll be fine! I think I just need a breath of fresh air.

"I'll come with you, Your Highness." She said, looking me up and down with worry.

"No!" I said, a bit too quickly. "No… I- I don't need anyone, thank you, Lydia."

"Yes, Ma'am. If you wish."

"I do," I said, nodding, "I won't be gone long, I'll just be a few minutes." I stood, pushing my chair back with my legs, and walked slowly, still slightly dazed, from the room.

I walked out onto the wide, flagstone path that wound its way through the rose gardens and began to follow it, but quickly turned off and into the woods. I hadn't meant to go this way, my feet had simply taken me, never the less I was glad when I reached the lake and found myself taking off my shoes and dipping my toes into the water. The rest of me soon followed and I lay in the middle of the lake, my long dark hair whirling around me, feeling weightless and free as I gazed up at the overcast sky.

But much too soon I was awakened from my reverie by the voice of one of my maids,

"PrincessOcéane! Princess Océane!What are you doing out there?"

"Coming, Lydia!" I said, sighing as I swam quickly towards shore, trying to keep the pinging thoughts from bouncing in front of my blood glazed eyes.


End file.
